“You sort of have to take your hate off to a kid who knows as many verses to ‘Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha’ as Harlan does.” – Chrissie Woodward, I Put a Spell On You.
Many folklorists like to justify these rhymes and songs by saying what function they serve for kids – ie, helping them deal with new knowledge about sex, fears of death, relieving racial tension, or what have you. I suppose I could do the same here – all kids need to learn the various indications that they might have diarrhea. These popular songs help teach them what warning signs they should be aware of, whether they’re riding in a chevy, sliding into first, or climbing up a ladder.
Here’s a version of this classic charmer that I learned from the kid down the street around 1987:
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
People think it’s funny, but it’s really dark and runny
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
People think it’s gross, but I eat it on my toast
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
It’s really diarrhea, but it’s really fun to eat
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh!
Minor variations have been recorded by folklorists around the country back to at least the mid 1960s. More often, it seems, the kids made “thhbbt” noises, rather than the “uh uhs” that I heard. The version Mike B. taught me in his basement over a game of Centipede (on a level when the enemies were the color of diarrhea) is the only one I’ve heard that includes the last line, which I suspect he was making up as he went along, but plenty of versions involve eating it on toast.
Probably even more popular are “The Diarrhea Song” and “Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha,” which are different from “Diarrhea Uh Uh” mainly in that they have a more upbeat melody.
The basics:
When you sliding into first
with your pants about the burst
Diarrhea (optional: cha cha cha)
Diarrhea (optional: cha cha cha)
There are LOTS of verses to this. Just a few:
When you’re riding in a Chevy
and you feel something heavy
When you’re sliding into home
and your pants are full of foam
When you’re sitting in the bath
and you feel something splash
ETC. Some ambitious kids helpfully divide them into subsets, ie, singing versions that are all about sliding into various bases, riding in different models of cars, sitting in different class rooms, etc.
When you're swimming in the pool,
and you feel something cool…
Toronto (1980's)
If you have to go,
just sit and let it flow …
Pekin, Illinois (1970s)
When you're walking up a ladder,
and you hear something splatter…
Houston, Texas (early 90's)
When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd
When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd
When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd
Georgia, early 80s
no pain no strain just sit and let it drain
When your sitting on the john
And all the toilet paper's gone
Be a man, use your hand
Also
What makes the fart sound like thunder?
(wet fart noise)
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Eastern Ontario, Early 1990s
A baseball themed one!
When your up to bat the ball
and your undies start to fall
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your running into first
and you feel a juicy burst
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your rounding second base
and your pants are full of paste
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
When your sliding in to home
and your pants are full of foam
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
I forgot Third base…opps!
When your sliding into third
and you feel a juicy turd
Diarrhea, Diarrhea
never understood why you'd have a turd if it was diarrhea…
"hat", Take your HAT off.
When your bowels are in a scare,
because of ObamaCare,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When you go to McDonald's,
and order a Happy Meal,
then get on the toilet
and find out how it feels.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
(Currently drunk and all three phrases just popped in my head, out of nowhere).
When you have one too many drinks,
and something starts to stink,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When the preppers are getting ready for martial law,
then they witness the worse thing that they ever saw,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When you have a wet fart,
and that's just the start,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When you're trying to deck the halls with boughs of holly,
but you're bowels are screaming, "Good Golly Miss Molly,"
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
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What you thought was the November to remember,
that lasted well past December,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
While everybody else is wishing you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year,
you're just sitting on the toilet in absolute fear,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
While everybody else are updating their status on facebook,
you're experience on the toilet felt a lot longer than it took.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When you're drunk as hell,
but can still detect that smell.
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
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When Obama says that you can keep your plan,
but 24 hours later, you're still on the can,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
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When you lose 20 lbs.
from long runny sounds,
Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
When you're bowels are in a war,
putting up a fight.
It's time to say change your diet and squat when pooping (instead of using the toilet), google it and good night.
no more Diarrhea, Diarrhea.
Central NJ, 1985/86
These were the "baseball themed" verses i heard:
when you're sliding into first
and you feel that baby burst
diarrhea, diarrhea
when you're sliding into second
and you've only got a second
diarrhea, diarrhea
when you're sliding into third
and you feel a juicy turd
diarrhea, diarrhea
when you're sliding into home
and your pants are full of foam
diarrhea, diarrhea
the diarrhea refrain was accompanied either by "cha-cha-cha" or two fart noises.
My brother thinks it's funny,
But it's really thick and runny.
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
Some people think it's gross,
But it's really good on toast.
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
Now I'm on a baseball team
And my pants begin to steam.
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
Now I'm on my way to first
And my pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
Now I'm on my way to third
And my pants begin to turd.
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
Now I'm on my way to home
And my pants begin to foam.
Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch
(Des Moines, IA late 1970s)
When you're sitting in class
and you feel something pass
Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha
Hahaha good one
I don't think some people understand or have any rhythm
1975-1979, Tampa, Florida area
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Some people think it's funny,
But it comes out red and runny,
Diarrhea, diarrhea.
Forgot to mention I used to sing mine growing up in Choctaw, Oklahoma in the mid 80s.
It looks like Campbell's soup,
But it's really yucky poop,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
From Birmingham, AL circa 1980's.
When you wake up anxiously sweating in bed,
As your butt cheeks begin to spread,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
Circa birmingham, AL 2015.
your smile quickly turns into a frown,
when your assblast turns your tighty whitey's brown,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL 2015.
Your undies bubble and froth,
filled with your intestinal brown broth,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa 2015.
instead of coming out hard and whole,
Brown gravy bubbled and spewed from your hole,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa 2015
Instead of manning up and making the cut,
Brown lava spewed forth from your butt,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
Birmingham, AL circa 2015
instead of depositing a nice, neatly coiled loop,
You splattered explosive, liquified poop.
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa 2015
Your yesterday's chili came back to say smello,
With an involuntary evacuation from your bowels down deep below,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
when you take a fiery yellow liquid shit,
waving the white paper, you made the toilet quit,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa 2015
The police post your picture on tv as a "killer on the loose,
after crushing the bathroom at Walmart with your runny putrid deuce.
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa
you asked the maitre de for the cork from the wine,
to plug up your retchid spewing behind,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
diarDiarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL circa 2015.
The we're amazed that it could be done,
your loaded ass shoots liquified food bullets like a machine gun,
Diarrhea cha cha cha,
Diarrhea cha cha cha.
birmingham, AL 2015
That's the one I knew
We sang:
When you’re climbing up a tree
And your poop looks just like pee
And
When you’re writing a haiku
And you really have to poo
When your drinking mountain dew and your butt bigins to spew
When your walking in the rode and you hear something explode!
When you’re swimming in a stream and you see something green
And
When you are doing the worm and your butt bigins to squirm
And when you’re sitting in a vett (corvette) and you feel something wet.
When your swimming in a lake, and your butt starts to shake.
I was going to the Spar,
When it came out a car,