In Days of Old When Knights Were Bold

These seem to be falling out of favor these days, but rhymes about bathroom customs in the old days certainly go back a while:

In days of old when knights were bold
and toilets weren’t invented
they did their load
beside the road
and walked away contented

Sherman recorded that one in New York in the early 1950s. I’ve also heard:

In days of old when knights were bold
and paper not invented
they’d wipe their ass
with bits of grass
which left them freshly scented

I imagine many more of these go around – post yours in the comments!

Just as a side note, in a college, one of the dozen or so papers I wrote on The Canterbury Tales for the various classes that assigned it was entitled “In Days of Old When Knights Were Bold; Chaucer’s Poop Jokes.” I think I got a B-

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21 Comments

  1. Dr. Confused

    We did this one at a cadet camp in Alberta in the 1990s. We were teenagers, not kids. There were dozens of verses (and flexibility to write them up) and many of them were very explicit.

    A couple verses I remember:

    In days of old when men were bold
    And condoms weren't invented
    We stuck wool cocks upon our cocks
    And babies were prevented

    In days of old when men were bold
    And women weren't particular
    We lined them up against the wall
    And fucked them perpendicular

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    In days of old, when knights were bold
    And ladies weren't invented
    The knights bored holes in telegraph poles
    And walked away contented.

    — Melbourne, Australia, early 1960s

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    In Cleveland in the mid-fifties our version was as follows:
    In days of old, when knights were bold
    And rubbers weren't invented,
    They tied a sock around their cocks
    And babies were prevented.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    I heard something similar to the Cleveland one in New Jersey in the late 80's, but I only ever remember hearing it from one kid — it wasn't widespread.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    In days of old when nights where bold and toilet wern't invented,they dug a hole and sat in it and sat their quite contented, and here am i brocken hearted paid a penny and only farted.

    UK Bolton 1980

    Reply
  6. Tim Giangiobbe

    In days of Old When Knights were bold
    and rubbers were invented
    They tied a sock
    around their cock
    When babies weren't intended

    Reply
  7. Tim Giangiobbe

    San Francisco Bay area and Sacramento 1968

    Reply
  8. Anonymous

    In days of old, when knights were bold, they tied a sock around their cock, and soon rubbers were invented.
    NYC area 1970's

    Reply
  9. Anonymous

    Some come here to sit and wonder.
    Some come here to shit like thunder.
    i come here to scratch my balls and read the writing on the walls!

    Reply
  10. Anonymous

    W-S-M England late 70's

    Reply
  11. Rodger the Real King of France

    In days of old
    when knights were bold
    and rubbers weren't invented
    They'd wrap a sock
    around their cocks
    and babies were prevented

    Chicago early 1950's (truly)

    Reply
  12. maf

    The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
    The dirty little nipper,
    Stuffed his ass with broken glass,
    And circumcised the Skipper.

    Reply
  13. maf

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    Reply
  14. socorro

    Upstate NY, 1970s

    Here I sit broken hearted
    Paid to shit but only farted

    Hard to believe that pay toilets were once a thing. The best comment in a pay toilet, by far, was written along the bottom of the stall door: "Beware of limbo dancers without a dime"

    Reply
  15. Krispy2182

    Toilet Wall at school, Perth, Western Australia Circa 1970's
    Here I sit broken hearted
    Paid five cents and only farted

    Reply
  16. Thrawn

    In days of old
    When knights were bold
    And suits were made of tin
    No mortal cry
    Escaped the guy
    Who sat upon a pin

    Reply
  17. E.Roneous

    Maybe you mean wool socks. :-)

    Reply
  18. pam

    in days of yore
    when knights were poor
    and rubbers weren't invented
    they'd wrap a sock
    around their cock
    and babies were prevented

    Civil Air Patrol chant
    1970s
    Ohio

    Reply
  19. Anon

    I find it funny how the group Trout Fishing in America adapted this for their Proper Cup of Coffee cover in the second verse. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XrAkPyStGg

    Reply
  20. THIS IS ONES DIFFERENT

    This one from when I was a kid is quite different.

    In day of old
    when men were bald
    and girls screwed in the back of hot-rod cars

    Although thats all I remember…

    Reply
  21. Old guy but still have somewhat of a memory

    When I was in the military some 46 years ago I was drinking with a friend on base in Florida. We were walking back to the barracks and he recited this from a playboy magazine that he memorized and I in turn memorized it while walking with him.
    In the days of old, when the knights were bold, and all the counts and no accounts sat around the round table throwing slick slimy camel turds (cause bullsh*t wasn’t invented yet). In walks Daniel and Daniel says “Ho”, What Ho assh*le says the King. Daniel picks up a slick slimy camel turd and throws it a random. It misses random and hits the King. This makes the King mad. He throws Daniel in the lions den. In walks the first lion. Was the lion scared, hell no. Was Daniel scared, hell yes. But Daniel racked his balls up against the wall. In walks the second lion. Was the lion scared, hell yes. Was Daniel scared, hell no. But Daniel racked his balls up against the wall anyway. In walks the third lion. Was the lion scared, hell no. Was Daniel scared hell no. It was a female lion. Daniel f*cked his way out of this one and this made the King glad. The King made Daniel owner of the land. The people of the land said, what you going to do with the land. Daniel said, sh*t on the land. So 1,000 people took a squat. Someone says, Daniel where’s your queen. Daniel says, f*ck the queen. So 1,000 people made a mad dash for the queen. One lucky guy made it to her bedroom. He said, roll over queen. She said, I’ll be f*cked if I will. He said you’ll be corn-holed if you don’t. This made the queen mad and she threw in the dungeon. She feed him nothing but ex-lax. The man said, but queen I’ll die. She said, you’ll sh*t.

    Reply

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