In Days of Old When Knights Were Bold

These seem to be falling out of favor these days, but rhymes about bathroom customs in the old days certainly go back a while:

In days of old when knights were bold
and toilets weren’t invented
they did their load
beside the road
and walked away contented

Sherman recorded that one in New York in the early 1950s. I’ve also heard:

In days of old when knights were bold
and paper not invented
they’d wipe their ass
with bits of grass
which left them freshly scented

I imagine many more of these go around – post yours in the comments!

Just as a side note, in a college, one of the dozen or so papers I wrote on The Canterbury Tales for the various classes that assigned it was entitled “In Days of Old When Knights Were Bold; Chaucer’s Poop Jokes.” I think I got a B-

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  1. Dr. Confused

    We did this one at a cadet camp in Alberta in the 1990s. We were teenagers, not kids. There were dozens of verses (and flexibility to write them up) and many of them were very explicit.

    A couple verses I remember:

    In days of old when men were bold
    And condoms weren't invented
    We stuck wool cocks upon our cocks
    And babies were prevented

    In days of old when men were bold
    And women weren't particular
    We lined them up against the wall
    And fucked them perpendicular

  2. Anonymous

    In days of old, when knights were bold
    And ladies weren't invented
    The knights bored holes in telegraph poles
    And walked away contented.

    — Melbourne, Australia, early 1960s

  3. Anonymous

    In Cleveland in the mid-fifties our version was as follows:
    In days of old, when knights were bold
    And rubbers weren't invented,
    They tied a sock around their cocks
    And babies were prevented.

  4. Anonymous

    I heard something similar to the Cleveland one in New Jersey in the late 80's, but I only ever remember hearing it from one kid — it wasn't widespread.

  5. Anonymous

    In days of old when nights where bold and toilet wern't invented,they dug a hole and sat in it and sat their quite contented, and here am i brocken hearted paid a penny and only farted.

    UK Bolton 1980

  6. Tim Giangiobbe

    In days of Old When Knights were bold
    and rubbers were invented
    They tied a sock
    around their cock
    When babies weren't intended

  7. Tim Giangiobbe

    San Francisco Bay area and Sacramento 1968

  8. Anonymous

    In days of old, when knights were bold, they tied a sock around their cock, and soon rubbers were invented.
    NYC area 1970's

  9. Anonymous

    Some come here to sit and wonder.
    Some come here to shit like thunder.
    i come here to scratch my balls and read the writing on the walls!

  10. Anonymous

    W-S-M England late 70's

  11. Rodger the Real King of France

    In days of old
    when knights were bold
    and rubbers weren't invented
    They'd wrap a sock
    around their cocks
    and babies were prevented

    Chicago early 1950's (truly)

  12. maf

    The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
    The dirty little nipper,
    Stuffed his ass with broken glass,
    And circumcised the Skipper.

    1. Jim Michael Boerner

      Hahaha!! A Catholic joke!

      1. F

        The choir boy, the choir boy,
        The dirty little beast,
        Stuffed his ass with broken glass,
        And circumcised the Priest.

        Could work with nipper and vicker too.

  13. maf

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. socorro

    Upstate NY, 1970s

    Here I sit broken hearted
    Paid to shit but only farted

    Hard to believe that pay toilets were once a thing. The best comment in a pay toilet, by far, was written along the bottom of the stall door: "Beware of limbo dancers without a dime"

    1. Carol Duncan

      Some come here to sit and think
      I came here to shit and stink
      Now I sit here broken hearted
      Spent a penny and only farted

  15. Krispy2182

    Toilet Wall at school, Perth, Western Australia Circa 1970's
    Here I sit broken hearted
    Paid five cents and only farted

  16. Thrawn

    In days of old
    When knights were bold
    And suits were made of tin
    No mortal cry
    Escaped the guy
    Who sat upon a pin

  17. E.Roneous

    Maybe you mean wool socks. :-)

  18. pam

    in days of yore
    when knights were poor
    and rubbers weren't invented
    they'd wrap a sock
    around their cock
    and babies were prevented

    Civil Air Patrol chant

  19. Anon

    I find it funny how the group Trout Fishing in America adapted this for their Proper Cup of Coffee cover in the second verse.


    This one from when I was a kid is quite different.

    In day of old
    when men were bald
    and girls screwed in the back of hot-rod cars

    Although thats all I remember…

  21. Old guy but still have somewhat of a memory

    When I was in the military some 46 years ago I was drinking with a friend on base in Florida. We were walking back to the barracks and he recited this from a playboy magazine that he memorized and I in turn memorized it while walking with him.
    In the days of old, when the knights were bold, and all the counts and no accounts sat around the round table throwing slick slimy camel turds (cause bullsh*t wasn’t invented yet). In walks Daniel and Daniel says “Ho”, What Ho assh*le says the King. Daniel picks up a slick slimy camel turd and throws it a random. It misses random and hits the King. This makes the King mad. He throws Daniel in the lions den. In walks the first lion. Was the lion scared, hell no. Was Daniel scared, hell yes. But Daniel racked his balls up against the wall. In walks the second lion. Was the lion scared, hell yes. Was Daniel scared, hell no. But Daniel racked his balls up against the wall anyway. In walks the third lion. Was the lion scared, hell no. Was Daniel scared hell no. It was a female lion. Daniel f*cked his way out of this one and this made the King glad. The King made Daniel owner of the land. The people of the land said, what you going to do with the land. Daniel said, sh*t on the land. So 1,000 people took a squat. Someone says, Daniel where’s your queen. Daniel says, f*ck the queen. So 1,000 people made a mad dash for the queen. One lucky guy made it to her bedroom. He said, roll over queen. She said, I’ll be f*cked if I will. He said you’ll be corn-holed if you don’t. This made the queen mad and she threw in the dungeon. She feed him nothing but ex-lax. The man said, but queen I’ll die. She said, you’ll sh*t.

    1. Dan Thefan


  22. The Exile

    In days of old
    when girls were not invented
    men would grind their cocks
    in the cracks of rocks
    and felt quite contended

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  24. Dan Thefan

    9/1970 1st day of Highshcool Coolest Sharpest Teacher in School (Calvin Penfield WW II,) this was written On the ChalkBoard “In Days of Old…Knights were Bold … Tie a Sock around Your Cock & Baby’s were Prevented!

  25. Panaman Creel

    Here I sit, oh broken hearted,
    paid a dime and only farted,
    next time I think I will take a chance
    save my dime and shit my pants…

  26. Jim

    The altar boy,
    So young and coy,
    But what a little beast!
    Up his ass,
    He shoved broken glass,
    And circumsized his priest!

  27. CB

    My gram recited this to me when I was a kid and I thought it was so funny:
    “In days of old when nights were cold, there were no toilets invented. They did their load right in the road and ran away contented.”
    I have no idea where it originates from or why there are so many different versions! Does anybody know?

  28. David Harber

    Big John Peele
    with his cock of steel
    and his balls of brass
    and his cellophane arse
    well he wanked all night
    till his balls shone bright
    and he’s still on the horn in the morning!


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